Stop Assuming He's an A-Hole

Hi Lovely,   We’ve all been hurt before or have a great reason as to why we don’t trust men, but letting your previous relationship experiences affect your current interactions with men (and the men you’ll soon meet) is probably the #1 thing that keeps women single.  Tell me if these scenarios resonate: You dated a guy that sweet talked you when you first met; you fell for him, and then he pulled out the rug and ended up being an ass.   So now, anytime a guy comes up and says something nice to you (genuine or not), you’re skeptical, and maybe you respond with narrowed eyes or a frown, or a short, curt answer. (Maybe you don’t even know you’re doing it.) Perhaps you met a guy online and he turned out to be a jerk, so now anytime you get a new message on your dating app, you assume “this one has to be a jerk, too”.  Naturally, your guard is up, and to you, your reply of, “hi.” seemed very appropriate! He needs to prove himself before you invest any emotion or time into him, right?! I get it, you're protecting yourself. You don’t want to be hurt again.   You will NOT go through what you did last time. But just imagine - if this is a genuinely good guy (maybe he could even be The One…), his first impression of you is that you’re negative, or cold, or rude, or worst of all - uninterested in him! And since he feels rejected (yes, he 100% feels rejected in these scenarios), he won't try to impress you anymore, let alone actually try and ask you out!  Why? Because believe it or not, men have just as many insecurities and fears about being rejected as you do. And, it takes guts to initiate a conversation with a stranger – let alone a stranger that you’re attracted to!  Maybe the man that approached you with the too perfect grin or sent that “hey, hottie ;)” message was actually the most kind, giving person you’d ever meet. Maybe he’d become your best friend, or even end up as your soul mate! But, since you assumed that he was a player/disingenuous/just like all the other crap men you meet – you reacted to him skeptically, coldly or curtly, leaving him feeling rejected and probably closing the door on that potential relationship for good.  It sounds harsh, but it’s the unfortunate truth. Look at it this way: Pretend the situation was reversed – How would you feel if you saw a man you were attracted to, got up the nerve to talk to him, and after introducing yourself with a big smile, he responded… “Yes?” And gave you a look like, “what do you want?” (OUCH.)  He’s probably been through some painful relationship experiences (just like you), but would you know that he’s actually a nice guy who’s open to a relationship? Would you assume that he’s just been hurt before, so it’s alright for his guard to be up when he initially meets women? (Just like you’re doing with men…) Would you still try to talk to him?  OF COURSE NOT! You’d feel hurt and rejected and hold back the tears as you tore towards the bathroom! Well, maybe that’s just me, but regardless, it still wouldn’t feel good. And it’s safe to say, you wouldn’t continually try to ask him out. (If you’re one of the select few that would keep pursuing – more power to you!) So if a man (or anyone for that matter) approached you, and you responded coldly, guarded, or with a short reply, why would you assume that his opinion of you is anything other than exactly what you’re expressing? In all honestly, he’s probably thinking, “Wow, she’s bitter…this one isn’t worth it” or, “Bummer. Looks like she’s another one of those pretty girls that’s also a b*tch. Not dealing with that!” If you have hopes of finding Mr. Right, you need to put yourself out there, too! And putting yourself out there does NOT mean going to a bar with friends - but rolling your eyes at every man that looks your direction, or saying you’re “online dating” - but then demanding every guy work super hard to win you over before you even give him a chance at a date.  This is not one of those cliché romantic comedies where the super confident, seemingly-untouchable, drop dead gorgeous business woman shuts a man down over and over again, yet the man still constantly pursues her until she eventually lets him in, and then they fall in love and live happily ever after. That is the exception, not the rule.  Think about it. If a top-quality man tries to talk to you or ask you out, and you act disinterested or play hard to get, the likelihood that he’s going to continue to be ‘rejected’ by you is very low. He’s a top-quality man! He’ll just go pursue someone else! And what about the men that actually do continue to pursue you after you shut them down? Well, my guess is you probably aren’t interested in them or don’t see them as someone you would want to spend the rest of your life with anyways.  I’m not saying you should be naïve or to date every man on the planet, but being polite, smiling and open to having a short conversation with someone is the first step to a relationship even having the potential to happen. You have every right to protect yourself and your feelings, but the absolute worst thing you can do when meeting someone new is to look down your nose at them or assume they’re ‘an ass just like every other guy’ (ah hem, you mean your ex or some other guys you dated…every guy is not an ass, FYI). The guardedness, negativity and skepticism need to stop if you want a chance at finding and having that great relationship. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you want a relationship with someone where you can: let your guard down, be yourself, be happy, and that you’re sure of. Right?! So what do you think will happen if you start a potential relationship projecting the complete opposite of that? Yeah. Nothing good. First impressions are important for a reason… Of course there are men out there that don’t deserve you and that you shouldn’t date, but by starting off a new relationship (i.e., meeting a new person) projecting coldness or mistrust, you’re killing any chance at getting the loving, trusting relationship that you truly want with a great guy that treats you the way you deserve. Don’t punish the new men you meet for your ex’s mistakes. So just smile. Be happy and open to meeting new people and having new conversations. Even if you’re not attracted to a guy that says hello to you, respond kindly in turn. You never know what possibilities could come from meeting someone new - maybe he’ll be your ticket to your dream job, or invite you to fabulous party, or introduce you to his friend who could be The One! (Side note – optimism is a key trait you should possess right now if you’re looking for your dream guy. Just saying!) Ultimately, when you finally let go of the (false) notion that ‘all men are assholes’, you’ll be freer. You’ll feel lighter because you’ve stopped caring so much about every guy’s hidden intentions. You’ll have more fun, feel unburdened, make more meaningful connections and enjoy living in the present moment…which is what’s going to attract those great men to you in the first place. Lots of love, Jamie P.S. – Want to learn more about how to attract top-quality men? Click here!